It’s been almost four weeks since I heard the landing gear spring to life on our descent into Koh Samui. Four weeks since one of the best exhales I can remember. I tilted my head back into the headrest and let my gaze shift timidly toward the window to confirm that I had actually made it. After a week preparing a frantic departure the big question-mark looming over my head like a cartoon was vanquished in an instant by the radiant blues and greens that filled the airplane cabin window. Ahhhhh.
This place is a paradise, no doubt, but the first three weeks were filled with so many steps forward and steps back you’d think my ass was auditioning for a bachata competition. Let’s take it from the top.
No Massages indefinitely due to COVID-19
Look if you’re hoping for some serious trials and tribulations go read Unbroken because you ain’t getting ‘em here.
As I walked into the hotel, the staff had just posted the notice regarding the ixnays of assagemays and were busy salting the wound by sealing off the massage area with tarps. As if someone would ignore the signage and let themselves in for a massage sans masseuse. Life was a little different that many days ago and my optimism for an uninterrupted Thailand experience lived mostly in the knots in my shoulders. That optimism bubble was quickly popped, but sadly the knots are still there.
First things first was a 14-day hotel resort quarantine. When I arrived the Thai government was strongly suggesting that all foreigners from the EU or US lock themselves away as a deterrent for bringing the virus to the country. Turns out this was a good recommendation because of events that followed, which we will come back to later. OK I’ll just tell you now. Pretty sure I had Corona. Whether I scooped it up in Amsterdam or got it from licking too many tray-tables on the flight over is unclear, but what I did know was shivering with cold sweats on the beach was not just a side-effect of my ghostly pale-white body being reintroduced to the sun.
Luckily before I had left Amsterdam I added a thermometer to my defense system. Even with inventory shortages I was able to track one down on German Amazon that was pink and apparently comes with an accompanying phone app that would allow me to track my menstrual cycle. Because the thermometer is German I couldn’t figure out how to get the app to work and still don’t understand how that all works biologically… Colorado’s high school health curriculum is due for an update. Either that or my high school's JV baseball team head coach who taught the class was shockingly ill-equipped to cover the subject matter.
The point being, I had a thermometer and it confirmed that I had a fever only a couple days after arriving.
Now maybe this was just a typical “bug” and it was all just an unfortunate coincidence (yeah right), but since my symptoms never escalated I stayed locked away in my hotel room and never got confirmation that it was COVID19. When that fever spiked all of a sudden it felt like I had smuggled gremlins onto Samui and had the much-harder-than-it-sounds job of keeping them dry so they wouldn’t wreck havoc on the island. My fevered nights were spent dreaming about what the headlines would read if I, 30 year-old America Ass-Clown, let my little germs escape to plague Samui and my days were filled with Tiger King… so a nightmarish hellscape around the clock.
During that stretch on the writing front I was about as disciplined and eloquent as Joe Exotic’s straight, meth-head husband… since that doesn’t narrow the field of three, I’m referring to the one without teeth. If that wasn’t enough, ordering room service 21 meals in a row doesn’t do good things for the self-esteem, the first five times are heavenly, but after the brief high that cliff comes up pretty quick. It wasn’t a great week.
While I was hibernating the Thai government got busy laying down some ground rules that added up to a fairly robust lockdown, All non-essential business closed, all hotels closed, all flights to and from the island cancelled, and a 10pm curfew. Generally speaking similar to what seems to be happening around the world. Speaking of getting busy, Thailand’s King has quarantined with 20 women in a hotel in Germany…
Alas the clouds parted, the fever dissipated and I was able to enjoy the last few days of my hotel quarantine on the beach. In fact for the last few days I was the only hotel guest at the property which would close the moment I checked out. So as the hotel staff power washed every inch of the property in hazmat suits I’d walk down to the beach and let the sun burn the remnants of the virus out of my body.
Although this was a minor blip out of the gates, my stay at the White Sands Samui Resort was outstandingly pleasant. Though it was weird to be in a country, new to me, for two weeks and see as much of the local culture as you get in Cabo San Lucas for Spring Break. The exception of course being those college bros fortunate enough to get caught peeing in public by La Policia, who are then forcefully treated to a hands-very-much-on cultural immersion experience.
The only truly unfortunate lingering symptom that came with my virus was poor judgement in selecting my next dwelling. Judgement impaired I got roped in by a bargain and got my money’s worth.
Paradise Lost… At the Pony Hill Villa
I rented a place that didn't even have a table… come on Jeff... “The Writer”. That one’s on me, big time.
Strike One.
Next up this place was filthy. I’m talking dirt and dust in every corner, marks on the walls, cobwebs, mold, going for the “abandoned warehouse chic” design theme.
Strike Two.
And finally the listing did not mention that I would be sharing the home with 90% of the insect and reptile population on the island. Everything moved… the walls, the floors, the counter tops, the ceilings. I felt like I was in a Planet Earth documentary on jungle insects. Everyday brought a new species into my life, and usually it was at a very up-close and personal level.
Strike Three. Get. Me. Outta There!!
So on my first night in that creepy-crawly horror film, I scheduled a viewing at a new place. Lots of free time to peruse the entire AirBNB inventory when you don’t dare to close your eyes to try and fall asleep. I was probably the only person in the history of mankind to wear sweatpants and a hoodie to bed during Thailand's 90 degree “Hot Season”.
The new place was terrific. If social distancing wasn’t protocol I would have assaulted the owner with a bear hug by the end of the tour. Unfortunately the place wasn’t going to be ready until the end of the week, but it was because they were fumigating the place… now that was a reason worth waiting for, YAHTZEE!
In the five days that followed I racked up an insect body-count that would make Rambo and John Wick look like buddhist monks. Unfortunately I did not come away unscathed… Karma knocked down my door pretty quickly in the form of chronic phantom itches up and down my body. Good news is that the psychological trauma should fade in the next 10 to 15 years.
*at the bottom I’ve included a little visual from my bedroom door. Talk about the heebie-jeebies
But just like Louie Zampirini, I survived.
In all seriousness. I will readily admit that through it all I let the down moments affect my writing productivity. I could have dug my heels into the ground, but I threw up the white flag instead and said, “Until this is over I’ll just be hanging out on instagram and watching Vikings, which by the way is a totally botched execution of some of the baddest dudes and dudettes in history (let me know if you’d like me to dedicate a few hours to elaborating on that…The greatest crime that the Viking raiders in this show committed was stealing the 30 hours of my life that I will never get back, so I’d be happy to throw in a few more for the cause).”
Is it a bad thing that I let my output slip? Of course I would describe myself as steadfast and committed to my ambition and say this was “out of character” but also, get over yourself dude! It’s just something that happened, and it can be as simple as that. So we move forward, no worse for it.
To Infinity… Pool, and Beyond
For now it’s smooth sailing. We will see what the Thai government does at the end of the month to determine what comes next but until that time I am waiting and writing from my wonderful Fumigation Fortress and cooling down in the private infinity pool, @ $900/ month, oooh baby!
I’m happy to say I’ve really found a great mental space. Days are simple, and when all of the unnecessary complications of a “day-to-day” are stripped away the mind wanders free. Reality no longer withholds you from vaulting into your imagination. You can roam around without distractions pulling you back up the surface. Each tour takes me deeper and deeper as each day gives me less reasons to loan my mind back to the real world.
Next stop looney toon town! I’ll be sure to send a postcard!
- a writeous dude
